“Without knowing what I am and why I am here, life is impossible…” – Leo Tolstoy
Tolstoy is something of a scientist to me, more so than any of the other classic figures of Russian literature. His perspective seems to be that of a bird floating above the world, he makes sure he sees everything and goes a long way to describing everything. In a way, his stories are like maps and his descriptions are like reference points – so and so is here, and they are close to this. It sounds a little vague (doesn’t everything) but the sprawling nature of his epic works seems to indicate a slightly colder tone to his work, and I think the map comparison is evident of this.
I bring this all up because the above quote seems to reflect his writing almost perfectly. It might be a little preemptive to call him a perfectionist, but he definitely was a little neurotic, and hyper-aware. He wanted everything explained, everything to have a purpose, to the point that human emotions could be calculated and explained in a manner that has more in common with math than it does with human psychology.
I don’t think you have to be as precise in your feelings (as Tolstoy is) to cosign the sentiments expressed through his comment. We all want to have a purpose, and/or a goal to work towards. Walking around aimlessly in this life is not only no fun, it’s also frustrating and likely to cause plenty of anxiety. After all, the most important part of our existence is finding a “purpose” and the sooner we find that purpose, the sooner we can channel all our energy into this purpose and pursue our true goals. I don’t buy into Tolstoy’s brutally factual naturalism, but I do understand the yearning for understanding our existence. Unfortunately, it’s something that we are not likely to ever know.
